Christmas eve

“Thus my heart was grieved, and I was vexed in my mind… Nevertheless I am continually with You, You hold me by my right hand. You will guide me with Your counsel, and afterward receive me to glory.” Psalm 73:23,24

This is it. This is the week. The week of my father’s birth and the week of his death. The 6th of October – the day God sent him to earth as a precious little soul and the 12th of October – the day he called him home to heaven. Oh Father, my eyes flood salty rivers for you. My heart beats slower, my spirit yearns, my ears burn to hear your voice, your infectious laughter ringing like the pealing of church bells. We miss you so so much daddy! We miss loving you, learning from you, listening to you… we still need you. We do, we do. I want to share my stories with you. I want to sing you my songs. To speak to you in my broken baby French. I know you would be excited for me. You would scoop me up – your little black-haired, green-eyed girl – your Melody. I need you to be proud of me. I need you to encourage me. I need you to remind me that I am priceless and worthy and special! That God made no other just like me. Sometimes late at night, when the children are bedded and I am all alone… I imagine us singing together again. I think of your beautiful voice, your long nimble fingers plucking the guitar to perfection. Sometimes, I see your black head bent in concentration and I lay my head on your knee.  Sometimes, you rub my back and stroke my hair and tell me how you care. How very much you care about me and about my dreams and my hopes and my life. Sometimes, you pray for me and counsel me and enjoy me. We could talk for hours – about God, about prayer, about scripture. Music, literature, movies… we never run out of things to say. You never judge me. You always love me. You believe God has big plans for me and you make me believe it, too. Sometimes, sometimes… I know you are not in pain any more – praise the Lord for that. I know you are at peace forever now – with your Jesus. I know we will someday all be together again – what a day that will be. But for now, in this moment, I wish we were together. I wish we had some… time.

Je t’aime daddy!!!

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